A co-worker has decided to spread slander about me. Mature, right? Can you believe she's ten years my senior?!

I could list the litany of awful things she says I do and I am, etc. but it's just a bunch of bullshit that really isn't nice.

On much thinking, I realised she might be saying this stuff because she's jealous? I know I risk sounding like a presumptuous bitch, who's full of herself but oh well. I took her position because she got a promotion. But I'm friendly, I do my job well, I'm younger, more efficient, and I think she feels threatened. It was no secret that the manager of our store wanted ME in HER position instead. This job and her family is her whole world! I want to leave, I want to go higher than where I am. I don't want to stay in this area. I'm highly qualified, I'm well-educated, and I actually want to do better than this. I don't want to steal her limelight like she so obviously thinks I am and doing. I don't care.

She needs to stop the drama. It's ridiculous and dumb. Plain and simple.

Also, I'm a jealous bitch.

That goes without saying.

Once upon a time, I would have been asked if I wanted to go to a organization's formal...

Now I'm barely lucky enough to be asked how I am.

I'm fine, by the way. Even if I wasn't, would you even care? Or notice?

Also, I lied.

There are days, that no matter where I go, or who I'm with.. I feel completely alone. It's a hopeless feeling. Desperate. Mildly panicking.

I miss my friends. I miss brothers and sisters. I miss being with people I care about and who care about me.

I could go for a hug right now.

This is one fucked up journal. I am one terrible person. I need to start over and anew or something. But honestly? if I got a new journal... I wouldn't post in it, not really. Not at all. Oh well.

I just got fired.

First time for everything, right?

I guess. It's still humiliating.

And scary. I don't know what to do now...

Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that someone that makes me insanely happy, is happy with me.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want anything else. Except to be with him, in his presence, whether it's playing a video game, reading a comic, or being unconscious for most of the day, as long as I'm curled up next to him, knowing that if I just reach out, I can feel him or kiss him. It's okay. Everything is okay.

It gets harder and harder every time that we part. I have to go 'home;' I know I can't be irresponsible. But I'm feeling more and more that I'm leaving my home behind me, three and a half hours away, with the man I just kissed goodbye.

This isn't my home anymore.

When his scent lingers on my clothes, his "I love you's" echoing in my ears, and his almost sad smile, as I pull away, in my mind... it makes the next time I'm going to see him seem so far away. It's unbearable.

I've never had love this real before. Tangible and close. It's intoxicating, addictive and powerful, and really really scary. I hope it goes on forever.

I'm in one of those moods again. The one that I hate and I've been trying to avoid -- the one that makes me into the Heather I've been trying to fix and make into a better person because that Heather is a truly hideous person, a paranoid person. I become accusatory. I become nasty. I don't like it. It's a paranoid mood, that's for sure, complete with the awful foreboding, sinking and anxious feeling that makes me want to simultaneously burst into tears and throw up. It makes me insecure, unsure of what I'm feeling and I find myself thinking, "is just me or it is really happening?" It's not a conflict, if it is, then it's a conflict in my mind, at war with my confidence and my insecurity. It just has to be. Frankly, I'm a mess. I'm lucky I have friends who put up with it, who will take the time to ask me, "What exactly is wrong? What are you feeling? Seeing?" and then they try to explain it to me, "You're over-thinking it. It's nothing to worry about." And I'm grateful for their help and for their reassurance and their dissection of my tangled thoughts. Honestly. But the feeling doesn't go away.

I've had this feeling before, I had it a lot a few years ago. And I drove away people with it, with my anger, and my frustration, and my suspicious demeanor and accusations. I drove away people I liked, I loved. And I don't want to hit that stage again. Because really, when has this feeling actually struck home? A few times maybe? Like BIG time struck home -- maybe not life-changing all the time, but definitely an event that stuck in my head.

I can't just ignore the feeling. I can't will it away and say, "You're being utterly foolish. Stop. It!" I mean, I can try, but then a little voice speaks up and says, "But what if it's true?" And it begins again. I'm running in a continuous loop, over and over. And when I tackle it head-on, I go back to where I was before. A reassurance that it's not happening, really! Promise.

I think the worst part is, as a secretive person by nature, I believe everyone else is secretive too, hiding things - the guilty pleasures. And I'm trying to change my secretive nature to something more open, to not minding telling some things (though I still clam up when I'm upset). And I don't know.

I'm a mess...
Plain and simple.

You're not happy with your lot in life, but not willing to change it, or work with what you have. You don't believe in God, so you don't believe that God will help you. You refuse that option, you refuse to believe in God's love, in that path walked. You're empty without God, but you don't see it, you don't understand what you're missing. So who do you believe will change it all? Who do you expect it from in the end? The others around you. You leech off of their good-will and happiness and general kindness. Or sometimes you leech off of making them upset, and hurting them and their sad feelings, in order to make yourself feel better. What a sad existence. I pity you.

There's just something about him. I find a little bit more of my life revolving around him with each passing day. He keeps me centered, he keeps me balanced. It's like a little notch has been filled. That gaping hole in my heart is not so noticable, because he's just filling everything in around it. I feel life settling back in, the natural rhythm and swing of things are suddenly unhindered. It's glorious.

We're just... compatiable. Even in the little things. I feel like I've dissected every piece of information, from our dislikes to our likes, to when we were born, to our similarities, our opinions, everything. And when I got to the end and I felt rather foolish and neurotic, I turn and realise he had been doing the same thing. The little things that click so well together, from our political views, to me being able to go up to bed and find him not sleeping but cuddling with my cat in the same fashion I do. (My cat loves him too, hardcore loves him.), silly things. Good things.

He just balances out the side of me that I don't like -- the moody, jealous, insecure, and desperate side. Sometimes, it's still there, don't get me wrong. That's just a part of me that I have to come to terms with. But it's easier to swallow all of a sudden. I suddenly have a taste of trust; when a rumor hits me, I don't believe it. I don't think I've ever done that before... I've always tried to find a hint of the truth, a hidden motive, a more negative side. It helps that he's always been completely honest with me. Even when the honesty hurt. I respect that. It makes me love him more.

He has a never-ending patience with me that is stunning. I'm astonished by how much he puts up with, though I get nervous and wonder how much he can handle before he gets bored, or annoyed, or anything. It doesn't look like the end is in sight. That's good, right?

I never thought I'd feel like this again. I told myself I would never allow myself to feel like this again, to go so deep. It was a precaution, I know how I react when the ground begins to slide out from underneath me. I freak out, and I freak out for a long time. I fell once, it hurt a lot. Could I survive a second fall? Will I have to?

I feel like I could be with him for a long time. Like, when I see those '60th wedding anniversary' announcements in the newspaper, I think, "I want that." I've always wanted that. I try to imagine those many years, but that creeps me out. I've been trying to take it slow, to look to the now and enjoy what I have. I didn't even think we'd hit a 6 months mark and here we are, 4 days away. No end in sight. "I fall more and more in love with you everyday," he says, and the 60th year mark is suddenly a more tangible thing in my mind. I always look to the future. I'm the kind of girl that has her wedding half-thought out (No ring in sight), or notices a certain quality about him that makes me think, "He'd be a good dad." or enjoy how well his family accepts me, how much I'm beginning to love his family almost as much as him. I try not to focus on the future that much, I want to take pleasure in every little thing that comes my way. Like when will I see him next. Or maybe, when I can meet his dad's side of the family. Just in case, I tell myself. Just in case, it ends sooner than I thought.

Even with my fears and doubts, my overwhelming love I feel for him is still growing.

I'm not drowning anymore, in loathing and memories and guilt. I realised the other day that the 17th of September was sneaking up on me again, but when I registered the date, a more inane thought popped into my head, "Glee starts again." Not, "Jamie's been dead, Jamie's not coming back." I've let him go for the most part. Or when I think back about him, it's not the anger of him leaving me, of broken promises, or guilt, or just an overwhelming sadness and feeling of being always lost and alone. I'm proud of that. He needed to be let go, he needed to continue to... wherever the dead go. And I'm secure in the knowledge that wherever that is, he'll come for me when it's my time. I know he doesn't mind about my new feelings; I think they would have liked each other. Jamie once told me, "If I ever die, I don't want you to mope for me. I want you to keep living as though I'm right there next to you." Well, I am.

Finally, I am.